The Onion Takes On The Hurricanes...

When The Onion jumps on, you've officially made it as a city...

Carolina Residents Confused, Terrified As Victorious Hurricane Players Riot In Streets

RALEIGH, NC—Only hours after the Carolina Hurricanes won the NHL Championship Monday night in a hard-fought Game 7 against the Edmonton Oilers, North Carolina Gov. Michael Easley mobilized the National Guard to contain over two dozen members of what he described as "some sort of depraved, violent, heretofore unheard-of gang calling themselves the Hurricanes."

"These strange men came out of nowhere with absolutely no warning," Easley said of the Stanley Cup-winning Hurricanes, who emptied garbage cans, overturned vehicles and set them aflame, looted local businesses, and frightened hundreds of citizens out of their sleep. "Nobody had ever heard of them before. No one knows what they want. And nobody knows why they were acting so crazy."

Police chief Jane Perlov is reporting that the NHL club, which was known as the Hartford Whalers until moving to North Carolina in 1997 and has struggled to attract much local attention, "somehow gained access to Raleigh's RBC Center earlier Monday, engaged in some sort of ritualistic violence involving sticks and nets, and then proceeded to drink heavily before heading to their cars."

"Following their leader—a man Canadian officials have identified as one Rod Brind'Amour—a group of between 26 and 30 heavily bearded Caucasians drove onto the Raleigh Chapel Hill Expressway at speeds exceeding 120 mph, causing several traffic accidents and overturning one 16-wheeler, which eventually exploded," Perlov said. "The members of the gang we're calling 'The Hurricanes' then exited their vehicles and descended on Hillsborough Street, where they entered the storied Velvet Cloak Inn, woke up guests by throwing alarm clocks, chairs, and mattresses out the windows, and then promptly burned them."

The Hurricanes then proceeded to loot cherished Raleigh establishments such as Brother's Pizza, Snoopy's Hot Dogs, and the Waffle House, leaving many business owners, who had never seen or heard of the players before, confused and frightened.

"We couldn't believe what was happening," said Sam Weber, owner of Playmakers, a Raleigh sports bar. "I still don't understand it. We had a decent crowd here to watch the 1982 North Carolina vs. Georgetown NCAA Championship game on ESPN Classic when out of nowhere a lamppost comes crashing through the front window. Then these huge pasty white guys, all wearing, like, matching sweaters, run in screaming like madmen and holding this giant planter over their heads, which they demanded I fill with beer. They invited all my customers to join them, but we were too shocked, terrified and disoriented to even move, so the gang got angry and stole four of my big-screen televisions."

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- posted by Brian @ 4:34 PM